just to complicate things a little more...

Erich and I went to the physical therapist yesterday to start therapy for his torticollis. Of course, I should have scheduled the appointment for earlier in the morning and not at 4:30 because somewhere around 5pm, little man gets FUSSY!!! Needless to say, he did a lot of screaming into the poor therapist's ear and not a lot of stretching.

Basically, a run-down of what we're doing to help his torticollis:
1. The right side of his neck (muscles) are tight and need to be stretched. This is because when I was in the womb, he had no room to stretch his neck and has a literal kink in his neck because of it. There is nothing we could have done to prevent this from happening, rather it already happened before he was born. That made feel a little better, knowing that I hadn't purposefully messed him up.
2. He favors looking over his right shoulder because to look over his left shoulder is hard since the right muscles are so tight. To help compensate for this, he is supposed to always be put in a position where the fun and exciting things (mom, dad, toys, sound, color, etc.) are over his left shoulder so he's more likely to look. For example, he now has to lay in the crib with his right side facing the wall and left side facing the room. Also, I have to switch him from lying with his right side to me when I'm changing him on the changing table; now it's hard for me to change him quickly because it's backwards for me when his left side is facing me.
3. Ideally, he's to spend no more than 1 hour in any sort of 'device' during the day wherein his head is on a hard surface, ie. swing, carseat, vibrating seat, floor. Instead, I'm to increase his "tummy time," so that he gets both practice lifting his head and strengthening his muscles AND to get his head off the hard surface so it won't continue to go flat on one side. The whole car seat part his hard because somedays when I run errands he's in the seat for a few hours. The therapist suggested I carry him or put him in a sling or other carrying device.
4. There are 3 stretches I must do with him every day, 3 sessions each day, 3 to 5 times for 30 seconds. Add a painful (or, rather annoying) stretch in the mix of an already fussy and upset boy and you guessed it, total chaos. The therapist showed me the stretches and then gave me some papers with them outlined in detail, along with really awful pictures with babies who look terribly deformed (as in, the artist should rethink his renduring of a torticollis baby). Today was day 1 of said stretches....Erich screamed and bawled through the first session (and I did a little too), fussed through the second session, and only made it through one stretch in the third session before I became upset and frustrated at his wailing. So, we cuddled instead (but I did face his head over his left shoulder, which gave him a little stretch).
5. I'll take him back in 2 weeks to reevaluate his progress. The pressure of this is almost worse than not practicing piano for an entire week before lessons and then practicing for one hour before lessons. (I admit to doing this); it's totally obvious when you don't practice. Not that I won't do the stretches, but what if I'm doing them wrong? What if, since he screams so much during them and tenses his body, the stretching is inadequate? I've made little notes of encouragement to myself (along with a note that says "L" for left and "R" for right, that I tape on his respective shoulders...I may be 27, but sometimes I get the two confused, especially when it's backwards to me) and have kind of figured out the best times to do the stretches...right after he eats but before I put him down for a nap.

I knew being a mom was going to be hard. I knew there'd be challenges. I love being a mom and I love Erich to death but I gotta say, it's way harder than I ever thought (and way harder than anyone ever told me it would be, but I don't think you really know what'll be like until your living it). It breaks my heart when he cries and cries, when I have to bend his head in a position I know is uncomfortable. I know it will all be worth it in the long run and I'm so grateful I have good insurance that allows me to take of things like this (and a job where I can be home with him). It's hard to see your kids upset or suffering, especially when you don't know exactly how to comfort them or make it all better. I've been overwhelmed with this the last few days and keep reflecting on my expereiences as a mom so far. The smiles, half-laughs, and coos totally make up for the screams, wails, and poopy diapers.

Today I traveled to the Sandy Target because the ride to our Target isn't long enough for little man to fall asleep (yeah, he fell asleep in the carseat and was in the carseat for at least an hour...oops). I had some coupons for some baby items and needed to find an alternative diaper rash cream because Erich's bottom is all sorts of rash-y (I bought Buttpaste, per a recommendation from one of my sister-in-law's friends..love it so far!). As we walked out to the car, I figured I would stop by my grandma's house since I was in the neighborhood and I knew that Cassidy and Cash were there. We got there and Hilary was just picking up the kids because Cash had his 4 month appointment. I think grandma sensed my stress and offered to watch Erich so I could go do something. I left him there for about an hour and headed to the library to read and enjoy some quiet. It was beyond lovely. I know she doesn't read this, but THANKS GRANDMA!!! It was a big help today!!!